[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
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Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
The Others (2001)
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
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