[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
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[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
The smoothest fall of all time
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Oh the world we live in…
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.