88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
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i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
drew a comic about my origin story
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Brother?
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?