[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
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“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.