[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
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How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Tough love is true love
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.