It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
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When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Got him!
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.