Oh yeah that’s it
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You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I ate everything, including the H.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.