[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
A short story about romance.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]