[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
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Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots