[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
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They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
some Old Testament wisdom
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.