[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
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I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Whoa… oh I see lol
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Animal poetry
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire