[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
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wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.