[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
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Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.