[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
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ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Seek kebab; not attention
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.