[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
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My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
it was love at first sight
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.