My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
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If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him