[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
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I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Body by sandwich.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
the clam before the storm
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine