[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
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So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”