[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
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Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
dads on road-trips be like
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting