[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
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If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Still cracks me up
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.