{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
You Might Also Like
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing