{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
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Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
How high do the levels go?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I have many caverns
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy