(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
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Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses