[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
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I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Never go to sleep after making me angry
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.