[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
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If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
this makes me so uncomfortable
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.