Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
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Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.