INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
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That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
the rocks need my help
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Put the is in disheveled
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.