I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
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“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Your secret is safeish with me
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.