At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
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Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”