[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
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How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Who did it better?
Woke up against my better judgment again
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*