[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
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[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Fiction has to make sense.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.