INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
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Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.