INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
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The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.