INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
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Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids