Life hack
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“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant