I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
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Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro