[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
You Might Also Like
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Just a phase…
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?