Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
A great tip. #CakeRex
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*