INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
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Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.