INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
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me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
at ease…shoulder.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me: