[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
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The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
tourist season
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Friends that check up on you >
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )