[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
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With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I can’t stop watching this.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials