[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
December birthdays be like…
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her: