[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
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If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]