Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
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My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I identify as an antique shop.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Me buying fruit and veg