@JessObsess: *Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
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@pattonoswalt: "Snowmageddon"? We can do better, Twitter. #SnowCountryForOldMen #ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter #SnowMommaFromTheTrain #Snowverfield
@shawnspree: To catch a woman, one must think like a woman. *places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap
@Reverend_Scott: [guy in dark alley] Psst. Hey, lady... *opens trench coat* CHECK OUT- *dozens of bibles fall out* -our Lord and savior Jesus Christ