@JessObsess: *Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@KLobstar: [seaside wedding] We are gathered here today to celebrate the- [bride picked up by giant seagull] -completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
@DirtMcTurd: How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
@Henry_3k: As ice water runs down my face I conclude, "Boy, you sure like to eat bread!" is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
@Karissajem: Listen up, bagel man. We've got a good thing going here so let's not mess it up by you asking if I want the fat free cream cheese instead.