@JessObsess: *Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
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@midnightwhale: [police station] "sir you get one phone call." [calls 911] "hello 911 what's your emergency?" yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
@DaddyJew: Me: *passes out pizza* 3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2 Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices* 3: wow, thank you
@SaxMouse: When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
@rolldiggity: "What should we name this fruit?" "Passion!" "..." "..." "Let's not let Todd name any more fruits."