I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
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You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I cannot stop laughing at this
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
wow
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.