I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
set yourself free xox
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
The glory of fall.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.