[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
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“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.