*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
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NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
what does he know…
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.