Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
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You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.